Friday, March 19, 2010

I'm Still Alive, In Case Anyone Cares

Hello, all. If you’re wondering why I’ve been away from the blog for so long, I’ve got a good excuse: I’ve spent the past two weeks knee-deep in mind-numbing drudgery here at the ECO Inc. offices. If I never see another Excel spreadsheet in my life, I will die a happy man. In other words, I will not die a happy man.

See, that’s the thing about running a business – apparently, there’s a lot of nitty-gritty, nose-to-the-grindstone work to be done. Having spent the greater part of my 20s avoiding work in all its myriad forms, I’ve had some trouble adjusting to the demands of Corporate America (especially the pseudo-totalitarian version favored by GreenBox CEO William Walsh). After a long day’s work of data entry, customer relations calls, and spotting Ned while he tries to break his own bench-press record (813.5 lbs), it’s all I can do not to have a nervous breakdown. Medication helps.

Now, with any normal small business, the workload is punishing enough. But with the GreenBox, it’s doubly so, because of the sheer amount of interest and inquiries about the product we get on a daily basis. It’s no exaggeration to say that people are knocking down our doors to get their hands on the GreenBox, and keeping track of their fanatical demands for information falls largely on the bony shoulders of yours truly. Are you familiar with the saying about the you-know-what, and how it tends to roll downhill? Guess where I am.

You may already be familiar with the management style of William Walsh. God help you if you are. Brilliant and talented though he may be, Mr. Walsh seems to derive genuine pleasure from demeaning and emasculating his underlings – or, to be more specific, from demeaning and emasculating me. To pick one example from hundreds, he insists on referring to me as his “Gal Friday” despite my repeated protests that I am male. According to him, “the jury’s still out” on that claim.

It is against this background of near-constant mental and emotional abuse that I have strayed from my blogging duties. I hope you will accept my sincere apologies and say a prayer for me if you get a chance.

Meanwhile, ECO Inc. has recently completed an incredibly successful national mini-tour of industry trade shows. First we wowed the overwhelming crowds at the International Restaurant and Food Service Show of New York, sharing booth space with Tri-State juggernaut Imperial Bag & Paper. Next, the higher-ups (Will, Ned, and Jen) flew off to Vegas for the International Pizza Expo.

As usual, all the good stuff happened without me. While in Vegas, the brain trust inked a national distribution agreement with ROMA Foods. This deal formalizes a truly dynamic partnership - the nation’s leading distributor for the pizza and Italian foods industry distributor is now distributing the most talked-about product in recent memory. We can’t overemphasize the impact of this deal enough – it’s equivalent to Ned finally getting a callback from the WWE (cross your fingers).

And wrapping up the mini-tour, Sales Director Ned Kensing traveled all by his lonesome to Boston, MA to pahk the GreenBox in Hahvhad Yahd. Ned was personally invited to the show by Mansfield Paper, a major New England distributor with a boatload of interest in the GreenBox.

Long story short: in the past two weeks, we’ve secured coast-to-coast distribution for the GreenBox. From ruddy-cheeked New England lobstermen to sun-drenched Blackberry addicts in Santa Monica…soon the whole U. S. of A. will feel the global impact of William Walsh’s wondrous invention.

Between these three trade shows and the considerable interest our new commercial has generated, I’ve got my Sisyphean work cut out for me. In the next couple of weeks, the GreenBox will be popping up all over the country, and I’ll take pride in the fact that I helped that to happen. Not that I’ll get any credit for it, mind you.

Best,

The GreenBox Intern

4 comments:

  1. Wow - hilarious blog. Do your co-workers (or William) know you write this?

    We just did a write-up for y'all over at the blog for the green buying group that I run.

    We used your first video, and I have to say that I definitely prefer it to the most recently one. Much more meaty. The second one obviously has big cuteness factor, but the 1st one delivers the goods.

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  2. Dinesh:

    Thanks so much for the kind words.

    I left a response comment on your post about the GreenBox. Glad to be in touch.

    Best,

    The GreenBox Intern

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  3. Enjoy it while it lasts. It may end sooner than you think. http://www.flatpak.net

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  4. Thanks for stopping by, Anonymous. Always good to hear from you!

    ReplyDelete